The Displaced Bostonian
Wednesday, December 18, 2002
The Tour

We stood in safe clusters,
so death would not touch us
on the mortuary tour.

Who takes tours of a mortuary?
And not a cookie factory
or a fruit cannery?

But we all agreed
it was good,
important to face death.

We saw the caskets:
shiny and expensive, with pastel
blues and pinks for babies.

We gathered at the crematorium window,
a long cardboard box awaiting blazes
on a short, steel conveyor table.

Where was his family,
I wondered?
Where are his friends?

Would he be upset
to see a bunch of strangers clamoring
to see his vessel set aflame?

Stunned, no one spoke.
So I did.
“Sayonara,” I said aloud,

Breaking the silence.
“Good luck,” I thought,
and meant it.

- LLC2002

I think most of the time in life people are just trying to weave their way around their insecurities and try to interact with one another on some level of meaning and sometimes they just can't around themselves to do that. I try and make it policy to not my judge my friends - everyone is different and has different ideas and standards.

I don't want surround myself with people who are exactly like me - only people that have the same basic qualities that I like in people in general: funny or just willing to laugh, not overbearing/ too needy, smart or open-minded, and not (to borrow a term from high school) posing, true to themselves and to you. You just know when a person is a right fit for your life, in whatever aspect. Sadly, that is not a lot of people. I feel pretty lucky to have held on to T. all these years. Socially, I exchanged MC and JT for DK and TS. Which sounds kind of queer to say that, like one person replaces another because obviously they don't - but what I mean is, the friends I have now have traveled tougher roads and even though we didn't go down them together, the journey has given each of the same kind of character content. So I am pretty happy about that too. I think in the long term, surface friends are not worth your time. Hanging onto them is like keeping the band-aid on too long. You know you'll smart for a bit when you rip it off, but it's better than doing it slow.

What was really odd about the whole JT ordeal was that it actually got me doubting myself about things I am normally fine about. My friend A had been having a hard time with her marriage and after talking to me, I sent her a little cheer package. She e-mailed me that things were fine and I just...could tell she was lying. So I wrote her back and said - look, if you are happy, then great, I am happy for you. But I remember far too many things about your formative years of the relationship to be fooled. It's not violent, just very, very rude. She was surprised that I knew let alone remembered such things. Well, I got all paranoid that she perhaps thought I was doing to her what JT had done to me, and I called to explain everything and she assured me that she didn't think that at all. She went so far as to say that she needed to hear those things to inspire her to be more firm on issues with him. I was not at all judging her for being in the marriage but at the same time I wanted her to know she didn't have to put on a happy face for me if she was not happy. I think she really appreciated that, and those are the moments in friendship where you glad you can stand up for someone when they need it.

Tuesday, December 17, 2002
I have to wonder about me sometimes. I am not in the mood for so many things I am left to wonder if I am in the mood for anything at all. I was not in the mood for Thanksgiving. I am only slightly more in the mood for Christmas. I guess you have to know or have kids in order for it be truly fun. The excitement of children at Christmas is contagious, usually.

I am also not in the mood for invasive questions. For example, a colleague today mentioned my earrings. But instead of just saying that they were lovely or that she liked them, she instead asked if they were as expensive as they looked. So I simply said, that depends on what you consider expensive. Which she agreed with and at the same time I managed to reveal nothing.

I am not in the mood to reveal anything either. Which I guess goes directly against the idea of having a postable blog.

Thursday, December 12, 2002
I was thinking last night about porn. We received a catalog in the mail from the company from which we buy our birth control. Aside from your standard items like a wide variety of inexpensive condoms and dizzying array of toys, are, of course, the videos. I like the idea of porn, but I always have had complaints about it.

1) The fake boobs are awful. They look like cartoon boobs that Wiley E. Coyote might order from ACME.

2) Porn would be so much more interesting to watch if they people looked like they were actually having fun. Wouldn’t it be more arousing to see people actually enjoying themselves rather than faking?

3) Sometimes, when a woman is alone or with other women, she/they will whip out a vibrator/dildo and start earnestly licking and sucking it? Why? That has to be single-handedly the most stupid thing I have ever seen in my life. Plenty of women use toys but I would be willing to bet not a one sticks it in her mouth. The item in question is for your pleasure. The item itself needs no pleasing! Duh!

It is said that females are not visually oriented creatures. If that is the case, why are the majority of males in the animal kingdom the ones that are beautiful?


End of rant.

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